Of a comeback and a Sad Goodbye...

Its time to catch up, as I’m humbled by a friend/blog visitor asking me when will i update my site. (Thanks you-know-who-you-are).As of writing, my abode lies along earth coordinates latitude: 25.3303 longitude: 51.5859 =).Ok, not to give you much of google-ing, I'm in sands of Doha, Qatar. Settling with B finally.

In between months that I haven’t blog, are series of events that came along. I finished my work contract in Indonesia by end of July and was able to travel to Yogyakarta (Central Java Island) for pleasure. Got around Bandung with my ever go-girl travel buddy E, who in due diligence on arranging her hectic work schedule, flew all the way from Padang (Sumatra) to Jakarta then Bandung! It’s a travel of wasted hours, on dressing up traditions and lost in translation type (as usual), but nevertheless a nice trip.

However on my return home, as I'm on process of arranging my next destination, our family had a loss of a beloved member. My nephew, Matthew Gabriel, after 2 years of chemotherapy, succumbed of leukemia complications. He was just 7 years old. We are all shattered, since we all expect come October, Matt will be having his last dose of Chemotherapy, and supposedly his 8th birthday . Of broken dreams and faltered hopes, we dwelled in sorrow. The should and shouldn't been, the how I-wished-I-did it, what-if's, plans that are on the way after the treatment. Little children are not supposed to go ahead of their parents. But who are we to questioned God, Who is in the Know of all?

One vivid memory I have with him, 2 years ago when I visited Matt on the hospital, was when I carried him. I was confused that time, stressed, and worried on so many things that ran unexpectedly. And yet in his incapacitance to speak, he patted my back, as if sending message that everything will be ok. And I felt relief for awhile.
I dedicate this post for Matt, who in his lifetime, taught us that life as we know it, is beyond cancer and misfortunes, but of our capacity to love sans everything.

(In memory of Matthew Gabriel, I'm to donate my blood on a regular basis, wherever I may be, whenever I'm able. ..The family misses you so much Mamat, and yes, we'll go on.)

On how I see you...

Sorry my dear blog, that I havent been much of a time to update you...I'm still in this wonderful place called Bandung, and yet I haven't got much around. Yes, my great local friends have been helpful to tell me where to go around, but I'm quite of a lazybug during day offs. Come weekends, I'm glued to my laptop, doing TV series marathon of this new personal craze I have - watching Ugly Betty. Yes, unlikely Iám a couch potato every weekends thanks to her.



I've watched TV series like Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives, depicting different subjects of life, and how our values and the way to look at things changes as time progresses. Sex & the City shows how a woman can get her place in the man's heart (or pants) by getting carnal, and giving it all despite uncertainties in a relationship. Desperate Housewives revolves on what lies behind the door of a seemingly perfect neighborhood, seen in the eyes of their dead neighbor.



In case Betty doesn't ring a bell to you, its a TV series revolving around a Mexican American Betty Suarez who dreamed big into getting herself in the fashion world. She landed a job as an executive assistant to the Editor in Chief of the prestigious Mode magazine. She's smart and resourceful, but having lack of good taste for fashion, not fitting into size 0 dresses, and for being naive,life at Mode has been difficult for her.



I like watching Betty as I associate myself in her. No, I'm not as smart, nor resourceful as her =). But on how plain looking, naive girls have to work double effort to be able to land a spot in a field she chose to be in. We can't deny the fact that outside appearance do a part of having the things we wishes to, like an ideal relationship, a good job, many great friends. Superficial beauty does wonders, from getting yourself a free drink in a bar, making the cutest guy in campus send you flowers or having people fix your flat tires. Yet in the end Betty found her spot and prove her abilities sans the personal appearance, and yes you guess it right, with lots of hard work...

Gap Kids

One discussion I had with a Pinoy officemate from Dubai:

Sir M: hay salamat, konting araw na lang uuwi na ko (smiling while doing his routine work)

Ako: wow, buti ka pa sir, saya naman nyan

Sir M: eto nga, tinatamad na ako magtrabaho

Ako: hay naku sir, ako nga kadarating pa lang office, tinatamad na agad...(us laughing..)

Sir M: tulungan mo naman ako maghanap ng itinerary para sa bakasyon ko, gusto ko sulitin, mamasyal
palagi, kain sa labas, saan ba maganda pumunta na malapit sa Manila para hindi maubos oras sa byahe?

Ako: ay cge sir, bigyan kita ng links na im checking always whenever i want to set a trip (me while browsing the net, i still keep on talking), ilan na ba anak mo sir? naku matutuwa sila sigurado
kasi uuwi ka na, ako na eexcite para sa iyo hehe

Sir M: i have 2 teenaged daughter & son, maaga kasi ako nag asawa

Ako: wow, eh di ang bonding nyo mas ok na kasi malalaki na pala sila

Sir M: (face a little seddened), ewan ko, alam mo antagal ko na kasi nag aabroad, since mahal nga dito sa Dubai and they're attending college,yearly lang ako umuuwi...di ko alam kung natutuwa nga sila pag umuuwi ako.Feeling ko nga pag nasa bahay ako, tensed sila. Hindi sila sanay na andun ako, feeling ko nagbibilang sila ng araw kelan ako aalis uli...

Ako: wag ka naman ganyan sir, siyempre natutuwa sila na makita ka... (my thoughts freezed that moment, and time travel
back when i was 12)......

OFW din si tatay. From the time na magkaisip ako, minsan ko lang siya makita, once a year din. Di pa uso
ang skype, mobile phone at webcam noon. We do snail mail, and see each other by pictures sent by mail.Uso pa nga postcard and occassion cards. One time na umuwi siya, tuwang tuwa kami, bukod sa mga chocolates at pasalubong, natutuwa kami makita siya, bilang bata, na palagi mong nakikita ang ibang bata na kasama ang nanay at tatay nila,masaya din kami na me tatay kami nkakasama sa pamamasyal. Pero...dahil nga sa lumaki kami na bihira siya makasama, alangan sa pakiramdam pag kasama siya...

Isang hapon sa bahay kasama si Tatay...

Tatay: Den, ipagtimpla mo nga ako ng kape

Ako: Cge po tay
Iniabot ko sa kanya ang tinimplang kape, na hindi naman talaga ako sanay gawin, feeling ko
napatamis ng sobra yata...Ininom nya lahat, at ngumiti...

Tatay: Den, pag tuwing bakasyon ko, ikaw na palagi magtitimpla ng kape ko, kasi masarap

Ako: Naman po, talaga?

Tatay: Oo, masarap pa nga sa mga ready made na binibili ko sa labas

Ako: Binobola mo na naman ako "sir"....
Natigilan ako. Teka, tinawag ko nga ba si Tatay na Sir? I looked at him, he seems surprised as well, pero nag dedma lang kunwari
walang nadinig, pero nalungkot ang mukha nya. Nahiya ako, at lumabas ng bahay.
Bakit ako ganun, di ko ba sanay tawagin siyang tatay?
Ano na ba nagawa ng pagkakalayo namin para masanay kami sa bahay na wala siya? Ni hindi kami makapag usap ng hindi kami worried
kung ano iisipin nya sa amin bilang anak nya...One time na nagka aberya ako sa highschool, natakot ako na malaman ni tatay.
Hindi dahil sa grades ko sa conduct, kundi ano na lang ang iisipin nya sa akin, kung magagalit ba siya or what...Natapos ang bakasyon
ni Tatay, na aminado kami, na parang wala lang sa amin noon, guilt still haunts me now, na sana pala mas madami akong sulat sa kanya, mas
magiliw ako sa kanya, sana ganito, sana ganyan...Until nawala si Tatay sa amin....
Ramdam ko ngayon ang sakit nya dati ke Sir M. Mahirap na nga lumayo sa pamilya, na malayo sa lumalaking anak, lalo pa pala ang masanay sila na wala sa tabi mo..
Pag ako nagkapamilya ng sarili ko,ayoko lumayo sa mga magiging anak ko, sana.....

Letter to God

Dear Lord,

Please help me stop contemplating on my life right now. I may not be earning like I used to but I didn't pass on food and being hungry and going homeless. I may not be the young lady before but I didn't feel like ageing. I may not have improved technically when it comes to work, with all my forgetfullness and easy-going habits and yet You continuously give me chances which makes me believe in myself again. I may not be the good girlfriend to B and yet he never failed to pursue and understand me despite that I always opted on quitting. You always do give me second chances, should I say, nth chances. To have me realized that living a life indeed is awesome and being human is beautiful with all my flaws You never failed to show Your love and bless me with things that matters more than money - my friends, my love and my family. I should stop worrying for things for tomorrow, for You always know when to provide, just enough to handle for the moment. I never had thanked You before when I resolve a problem in my project, when I'm safe on every after travel, on every birthdays, on everything. I'm such an ungrateful child, always complaining and whining. I'm loved, and You always show it.

Please help me have an open heart. To be sensitive enough for other people's differences. Please help me think twice on words before they come out of my mouth, or a hundred times thought when its unpleasant. Please make me a blessing to others, please take out my selfishness, my negative thoughts, my insecurities. Sometimes I doubt You on things I hadn't got a grip on, like when You took our parents so soon, and when I dont get what I want. What I didn't know is that You plan better than anyone else, and better things awaits when faith holds strong. You gave me & my siblings our Atcha and her family to support us on. We grew up normal, educated and healthy despite being orphaned early. Still I'm weak, yet you blessed me so much of some things I realized other people might be more of deserving more than I do. I'm ashamed of myself.

It is indeed a long list of things I should be thankful of, yet You never expect a return but a gratitude. Thank You. This year is a blast.

I had fun in the deserts of Dubai.

Had a chance to bond with Atcha in Ilocos Norte.

Made it through bad times with a true friend in Vietnam.

Felt like walking next to Angelina Jolie in Cambodia.

And redeemed my demoted feelings back to Indonesia.

Your daughter,

Ed

Who doesn't Wants to be a Millionaire?

So exhausted from work, got a project the whole night I've been working at. Thank God we've finished one. On my line of work, some of the tasks are usually done at night, as not to affect much of the services our client provides to their customers. I remembered while still in Colombia, one instance while on a travel back home from site due to work finished late at night. I'm on a near sleep on the car seat that time, when suddenly, out of silence, a colleague brought out a statement (maybe out of exhaustion from work) that made me awake and got me thinking.

"why money was invented after all...."

I joked back. I said, "Well, we're luckier today, at least you don't have to pay a sack of rice or wheat for a burger."

We're in the times of convenience. Before, when paper money was still unknown, people learnt to trade in order to meet their demands. On our history books when people trade just about anything for a change of their goods - farm animals, gold, hand-woven clothes and even their slaves. Life is simpler then, but too heavy for me. Simpler, for you only have to meet basic demands of your family to survive - food and a shelter. But times change, and people change. Its not enough for today you bring home a bread for dinner, or build a home for the kids & the wife. You have to keep on track of the fast phase. Today, you get a job based on your skills and could earn more. You can start paying for a car, have your house renovated, and buy things that pleases you.But it doesn't stops there, it makes you want more. Though Life is easier now but much more complicated, different needs are constantly piling up, majority of them caused by money. We keep on working longer hours than required to earn more. And even work away as far as half of the globe for same reason. I can't blame my friend for his sentiments, but neither I couldn't complain of the present situation today, for I chose to stay on the rat race.And it's all because of money.

Leaving for Awhile, and I promise to be Back

Just got a new job, new challenges to face. I'm having jitters right now; it’s like the first time I left Ph for work. This will be my third assignment out of the country, but now, I got it with a burden in my heart. As soon as I received my contract, mixed emotions came pouring in. I'm glad for being selected despite numerous CVs around with same competency and could even be more of an expert than Iám, and so thankful to God for giving me another chance to prove myself of the things I could do better. He did answer my prayer. But at the same moment, I got sad for leaving again.

I'll miss people at home.


It is our nature on keeping wanting more than what we needed. On a reality check, we really never get contented. We kept on wishing for things on different reasons, be it for your own goals, for your family's future or simply out of your previous work's boredom. You earn more, and spend more. You thought your work does not appropriate you, and keep on wishing for a task you might find yourself better fit into. As for me, I gave up my former job due to financial lures on working abroad, but have to pay the price though - working far away from my loved ones. I may be well compensated, and a chance of living in another country is not possible, but isn't my family at home is the reason for all of these in the first place? So I set myself a limit, and be sure to be with my family every after a contract, for its not forever I'll be with them. It may lose me a few months’ salary, but spending moments with them is priceless, and being able to do things for them personally is incomparable. I may have some idle moments that I yearn to work again, and my prayers didn't fail me. And true, work does come in to people who strive to find them. God do provide you what you basically need, one at a time.

My heart will be heavy until I leave in two weeks, but am hopeful that it will only be for awhile. Until I see their smiles and be able to touch them again. Dear Lord, please help me to get through.

My Mood on a Full Swing

Feeling dull today. Gloomy just like the skies, as the weather is still unpredictable as well as my mood since I viewed my account this morning and saw my bloody red portfolio on my share holdings. Damn.

Later that day, I was supposed to go outside and meet someone for dinner, but changed my mind in an instant, i cleaned my room instead. Its always been a outlet for me to sweat out my annoyed soul. The conversation that started as a simple text message ended up into heated banter again. Just that I realized again for the nth time, what made me a monster today?

Could I blame it on my PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) since yesterday? The intolerable pain on my lower torso, that's been slaving me to Ibupropen for the past 2 decades of my life? Plus the perks of headache, nausiness and acidity associated with it.

Or could it be on the down shares I availed recently? This morning, it was jockeyed lower into all other holder's terror. Too late for me to cut loss then. One holding that's been added again on my lists for a longer term harvest.Talk about patience, tsk tsk.

Or, just things didn't went out as what I expect? There has been arguments again between me and him. As oppose to what "some" friends and family members see me as a normal girl, B really brought out the better, sweeter and also the monster of me. Our heated discussion went again from a simple catching on a day's work to the nth time of topics on prioritizing things. Brought out on a norm living, sorrounded by good-natured friends, developed my attitude of expecting things as they are planned on. I'm currently into a relationship testing the waters of endurance, patience, understanding and acceptance. He's still a different person and has been like that before we even met. I'm still on the amateur part despite the 5year term, perhaps to stitch the seventh year line? Until when will I learn to accept, and until when He'll understand?

Let's see on what painkillers and the market movements can do tomorrow. Should the typhoon winds change direction heading to calm, so is my agitated mood to relax. Care for a mood management with me?

This One's to a Rose

To the woman who smell the sweetest scent, whose the most beautiful creature God has given on earth, whose smiles can take away pains of wounds, whose hands can heal and soften a heart, who cooks the best dishes, whose face a morning angel, whose name the heart always calls upon...Nanay, Happy Birthday. Though you're not with us anymore, it will take a lifetime to cherish you.

Keeping Yourself Busy

Found yourself alone? There's this time in your single life when you just feel away on empty space. On my case that since I've quit my full time job for seasonal projects, there's been some difficulty meeting up my boyfiend, friends and relatives who do their regular 9-5 shifts or simply occupied with their own family. On most days that I have my free time, that's also the days I'm most alone. Also on friends with grown-up kids with a world of their own at school, being left at an empty nest didn't mean full isolation, but a chance to rediscover oneself and make use of it. I'm not ms. List for nothing so here's my own list to shoo away boredom from you.

1. Develop a hobby you've been yearning to do. I'm a frustrated writer back my younger years, my catch on English has noticeably been dwindling due to my previous work abroad and mingling with locals (hence, learning their native language as well). Aside from outpouring my thoughts and emotions, what a way to have a grip of practice on English since I can't speak them here at home.

2. Join an organization/group at your place. Be it on environmental concerns or a sports team, its also a way of getting to know more of your next-door neighbor who shares same passion as you do.

3. Volunteer Work. This one your extra time do mean a lot to other people you've helped up. Recent calamities that needed extra hands for repacking relief goods, or help building a shelter for homeless families, the lists of volunteer work are endless.

4. Travel. Find this one too expensive? Not at all if you plan ahead of time, you can save a lot booking your flights on early reservation promos the airlines offer, and do your research on hotels/inns that offer cheap thrills for budget-conscious traveller. This one is better if you join a backpacking club.

5. Visiting old folks. Rekindling family ties by simply dropping by your old relatives house will do good on your old folks health.

6. Redecorating your home.

7. Study. Life is like an endless pages of a book just awaiting to be explored, be it on religious aspect or on practical things you want to get on through, like being a Chef, its always nice to learn anew.

8. Get yourself a make over. Before when the only luxury my hair gets is a comb, I've got more time to fix it and get on hot oils. Due to time demands I had from my regular job that a quick shower is enough, I began to develop some "me" time during bath, with the luxury of time on my hands. Trips to the spa now is possible for a soothing massage i tend to include on my bi-monthly routine. I cannot tell until when "Me" time will last but I do get a grab of it while its mine, until some of my Life list is accomplished (like having a partner or a child, or getting into work again).

I have these options working on me, I hope it goes well with you also. :-)

My own Life List

I've always been wanting to publish my Life list. Reason was that some of them couldn't be simply done alone, much better having someone to accomplish them and share them. :-) We only have a one precious lifetime, so I want to fulfill all of them as much as possible.


1. Donating my blood (done, but was transformed into a Life pledge, as I plan on letting out every year).

2. Travel 2 days on a row by plane (done).
3. Visit Taj Mahal.
4. Visit Macchu Picchu (done)
5. Visit Great Pyramids of Egypt.
6. Roam around Europe.
7. Ride on an old train (done)
8. Backpacking in the Philippines.
10. Bungee jumping
11. Scuba diving
12. Ziplining.


13. Having a blog with hundred hits daily. :-)


14. Do good on stock trading. (started, but currently in bad portfolio)
15. Master the forex trading.


16. To be a chef.
17. To bake 3 tier wedding cake.
18. Provide my old folks their well-deserve break.
19. Own a car.


20. Settling down with the man of my dreams.
21. Bearing a child.
22. Adopt a less fortunate kid.
23. To help out a relative finish school.
24. Own a beach front property.
25. Swim with the dolphins.
26. Learn the art of quiltting.
27. Learn the art of pottery making.
28. Having a tattoo on my left arm.

29. Support causes for children and women's welfare.

I hope to finish them all. :-)

Im on my Feet now

Passing by a shoe store and looking at those nice, slim-stringed sandals make me stop with amazement. Being a normal girl with love on shoes (and bags, and clothes, and jewelries, hehe), I just couldn't stay away from finding myself a perfect sandals to get along with, especially on casual walks on the malls. I mean, who wouldn't just love complimenting your nice fitting jeans and shirts with a perfect pair of shoes. But I stayed away on buying those oh-so-nice sandals. Overpriced? No. Its my feet who bother me the most!

I'm a type of person who always think of other people's thoughts on my looks. Reason for my so plain looking style is that I always on caution and a bit uncomfortable standing out in terms of dressing up. Also, its my poor feet who's a culprit for that. My toes are so slim and boney, and callous seems a forever attached to it, no matter how I moisturize them everyday. Enlarged veins did cover up the rest. Its emotionally unacceptable for me to disgrace a very lovely open toe sandals by wearing them.

But those feet of mine that went all with me through all my hardships and struggles. I remembered back in high school that I used up all my money paying for copies of a book I needed for a project, and I walked home for an hour from the library so as to avoid embarrasment for not paying jeepney fare. I recall wearing ill fitting shoes because we don't have enough money to buy a new pair. Its my feet who did helped me land my dream job by walking around the metropolis passing my CV onto every company, being able to go around the house helping my aunt. They've been with me when I travelled Indonesia, Singapore, Colombia, Peru and Ecuador, and will definitely take me someday to my dream countries Turkey and France.That's a lot to be thankful for. And we'll surely have a long way to go.

Yes, Iám indeed greatful for my feet but still embarrased to wear sandals or go barefoot in a beach. Though not all people care on how your feet looks like in a sandal, it wouldn't hurt selecting a footwear that's not exposing all of your feet. Choose best fitting shoes, just as how you choose a dress. But see to it your nails are well trimmed and cleaned beforehand. Moisturize it daily and give them a nice scrub during bath, it does work gradually. However, Iám still a mile away on my dream footwear, but I learned to accept my feet as they are, and I'm just so freaking paranoid.

Tomorrow is Another Day, Another Blessing

Ok, gotta stop my contemplating from ruining myself. It does not make any good on my system. How ungrateful am i for the food i eat, home i stay in, lover, friends and family that stays with me and accept me. Iám still blessed with things other people keep wishing all of their lives. But God knows how much I wanted to get back to a full time job, just that time is still not on my side. I just need to have faith everything will fall on its rightful place on its own time. God is good as He'll won't forsake me, I'll be repaying You back Lord, I promise.

Quotes that Stuck Me (from Lao Tzu)

Just reposting Lao Tzu's quotes that poked me nowadays:

He who is contented is rich.

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

Great acts are made up of small deeds.

He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty.

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.

He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.

I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.

Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires.

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

Silence is a source of great strength.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

The wise man does not lay up his own treasures. The more he gives to others, the more he has for his own.

To lead people walk behind them.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.